Dredd vs Seinfeld
by YungCheeze
Summary: Dredd and Anderson team up to stop an evil apartment lieutenant- Jerry Seinfeld, and his gang of hooligans.
1. Chapter 1- The Kidnapping

Disclaimer- I would like to state that I am a fan of both Seinfeld and Dredd and I in no way mean any disrespect to either. This goes for all my other fanfictions.

Chapter 1- The Kidnapping

"Dredd, we've got a situation!" said the Chief Judge as he sat on his throne in the Megacity One Judge Department.  
"What's the problem?" asked Dredd as he approached his superior.  
"A few of our new judges in training were kidnapped while trying to make an arrest in a New York apartment building. A comedian-by-day and drug-kingpin-by-night named Jerry Seinfeld runs this apartment and he's now claiming these judges as his property."  
"So, you want me to rescue them?" asked Dredd.  
"Yes, and take out Seinfeld's clan while you're at it."  
"Got it," said Dredd as he walked off.  
"One more thing," said the Chief.  
"Yeah?" said Dredd as he turned around.  
"Take Anderson with you. She's a cutie."

Moments later, Dredd was driving down the highway at top speed in the Judgemobile with his mind-reading partner, Anderson, next to him.  
"New York? That place is still around?" asked Anderson "I thought it was destroyed back in World War 4 in 2034."  
"It was, but a few buildings still stand," Dredd replied "And apparently the Seinfeld gang found the no-aging serum. It has allowed them to survive all these years without looking any bit older."  
"I thought that serum was outlawed years ago."  
"It was, but these criminals still got their hands on it somehow."

Jerry Seinfeld was sitting in his living room eating a bowl of cereal when George Costanza came in through the front door looking distraught.  
"It's all over, Jerry!" he exclaimed.  
"What!?"  
"My date with the mail-lady! I accidentally dropped a box of bologna on her!"  
"What the heck are you doing with a box of bologna on a date?"  
"I won it in a raffle! I didn't wanna go all the way downtown to pick up my prize, bring it all the way back here, then go all the way back downtown for the date!"  
Elaine walked into the apartment and had good news to tell Jerry.  
"Jerry..." she said.  
"What!?"  
"There's a girl in the hallways looking all lost. I think she'd have much better use chopped up and in your meat freezer."  
"Ah, yes. She'd make a great meal for the Hokdons. Let me grab my coat."  
Jerry walked over to his closet and opened it up. Three half naked judges still wearing their helmets were tied together with tape over their mouths. Jerry pulled out his coat and shut the door on them. Newman's voice then came over an intercom in Jerry's apartment.  
"Jerry, we've got trouble," said Newman's voice.  
"Newman, what is it?" asked Jerry.  
"I'm watching over my monitor's," said Newman as he sat in his cramped storage closet filled with computer monitors "A car just pulled up and two judges walked out."  
"Elaine... bring me my chainsaw."


	2. Chapter 2- The Eyeball Explosion

Chapter 2- The Eyeball Explosion

Dredd and Anderson looked up at the tall apartment complex. It was the only proper building still standing for miles. Around them, stood a bunch of torn down buildings and the entire city looked like a tornado had run through it. The two opened the front door of the apartment and the lobby was empty except for the doorman who was reading a newspaper. He put down the paper and looked at the judges.  
"Yeah, what do you two want?"  
"We're here to make an arrest."  
The doorman laughed and pointed a pistol at Dredd. Dredd then pulled out his gun and aimed at the doorman.  
"This apartment is off limits to judges," said the doorman.  
"Threatening a judge at gunpoint- sentence: ten years in an IsoCube."  
The doorman fired his gun, but the bullet did absolutely nothing to Dredd's armour.  
"Attempted murder of a judge- sentence: death."  
Dredd fired his gun and blew a hole through the doorman's eyeball.  
"Good one, Dredd," said Anderson.  
The two walked up to the doorman's body and Anderson went close to him to pickup any sort of psychic reading. Her mind gave absurd flashes of the doorman witnessing Jerry's reign of terror, including Jerry firing a machine gun at random people, chopping up dead bodies with a butcher knife, and feeding the limbs to horned-monsters Jerry created known as Hokdons.  
"What are you sensing, Anderson?"  
"I think I'm gonna be sick," she said.  
"_Attention judges_," Newman's voice came over the intercom throughout the entire apartment "_Prepare to spend the rest of your lives in lockdown_!"  
Newman let out a laugh and then thick metal walls began lowering over every doorway and window in the lobby, trapping in the judges.  
"What do we do now?" asked Anderson.  
"Easy," replied Dredd.  
Dredd set his gun to its fireblast setting and instantly blew a flaming hole through one of the metal walls.

Jerry was hosting a meeting in Kramer's apartment with Elaine, J Peterman, George, George's parents, and Kramer. J Peterman was only there for his recent love connection with Elaine. Jerry's two pet Hokdons were leashed up in the corner of the room chewing on the lost girl who was in the hallways earlier.  
"We've got a problem," said Jerry as he puffed on a fine Cuban cigar "Judges."  
"And we've got what it takes to solve it," said Kramer as he placed his assault rifle on the table.  
"No way!" said George's mom, Estelle Costanza "Guns only make things worse!"  
"George, why did you bring your parents to this?" asked Jerry.  
"They were in town for the weekend!"  
"I have every right to hear this as much as anyone else!" yelled Frank Costanza "Back when your mother and I were vacationing in Vietnam last week, those judges arrested me for peeing outdoors! They all need to die, gotdangit!"  
"Okay, here's the plan!" said Jerry "We all grab a weapon and we all go after them. And by _we all_, I mean every single person in this apartment building."


	3. Chapter 3- The Food Porn

Chapter 3- The Food Porn

Dredd and Anderson crept through the hallways with their guns cautiously pointed ahead of them. The hallways were empty and remained silent until they walked next to Newman's storage closet. They heard him muttering, whispering, and laughing to himself until he walked out of the room. Newman looked startled when he unexpectedly saw the two judges with their guns pointed at him.  
"I recognize that voice," said Dredd "You're the one who lowered the gates."  
"I-I-I-it's not what it seems, Dredd!"  
Dredd grabbed Newman by the collar and lifted him into the air with no effort.  
"Where's Seinfeld and where are the captive Judges?"  
"I don't know! Jerry doesn't tell me anything! I swear on my life."  
Dredd put Newman back on the ground "Anderson, see what you can get out of him."  
Anderson placed her palm on his forehead and closed her eyes. She began getting flashes of food, porn, food porn, Jerry's apartment and the judges trapped in the closet, and more porn. She let go of his forehead and opened her eyes.  
"He was lying to you. He helped put those judges in Seinfeld's apartment."  
Dredd held his gun against Newman's forehead "Lying to a judge, kidnapping of a judge, your sentence..." Dredd pulled the trigger and blew the top half of Newman's head right off "Death."  
The hallway was no longer silent- the two judges heard what sounded like an angry crowd in the distance. Dredd and Anderson embraced themselves and gripped onto their weapons. Dozens of civilians came from around the corner and paced towards the judges. The people were holding various weapons- torches, pitchforks, knifes, swords, a few guns.  
"Kill them!" a voice called out.  
"Attempted murder of two judges- sentence: death!"  
Dredd and Anderson began firing towards the crowd. More and more people began falling down by the second as the crowd drew closer to the judges.  
"I'm out of ammo!" yelled Anderson as she put her gun back into the holster and picked up a sword belonging to a dead nearby civilian.  
Dredd and Anderson found themselves backed into a corner and Anderson had no choice but to get up close to successfully user her sword to hack through people.  
"Anderson, stand back!" yelled Dredd as he switched the setting on his gun "Why didn't I think of this earlier?"  
Anderson stepped back behind Dredd as he fired an explosive bullet at the crowd. The two-dozen people left in the horde exploded into a quick burst of flames. All that was left behind was a pool of blood and countless limbs all over the hallway- a few of which were on fire. Dredd had a bit of black dust and soot on his armour, but he wiped off most of it with his hand.  
"Are you okay?" he asked.  
"Yeah, are you?"  
"Fine, thanks."  
The two continued walking through the hallway momentarily until a nearby elevator began dinging. The two stopped in front of it and waited for it to open, with their guns pointed at it. The elevator stopped and the doors slowly opened to reveal something they didn't expect.  
"What the hell?" muttered Anderson.


	4. Chapter 4- The Versace Couch

Chapter 4- The Versace Couch

Once the elevator doors were fully opened, Frank and Estelle were sitting inside of a big silver robotic car-like monster. Instead of wheels, it had steel legs and moved one step at a time out of the elevator. Frank sat in the front and Estelle was in the back.  
"How the hell do you control this thing?" yelled Frank as he mashed a bunch of buttons on the control panel.  
Estelle was also hitting buttons on her control panel. A nozzle popped out at the front and a lengthy flame shot out.  
"Step out of the vehicle!" commanded Dredd.  
Another nozzle popped out and rapidly fired dozens of bullets into the wall.  
"Don't say I didn't warn you!" said Dredd.  
He fired a few bullets at Frank- hitting him in the neck, the cheek, and then the forehead. Estelle screamed as Frank leaned over dead in his seat with his face hitting the control panel. The robot completely lost control and began bouncing through the hallway, hitting Estelle's head on the ceiling with each bounce.  
"That's it- I'm blowing this thing up!" said Dredd as he put his gun back to the explosion setting.  
The robot made another jump next to the ceiling fan, causing Estelle's head to shred apart in the blades. Dredd fired his gun and the robot blew up in a fiery explosion.  
"_Good job, Dredd_," said Seinfeld's voice over the intercom "_Trust me, you've done us all a favour_."  
Jerry cackled and hung up.  
"I think I know where that voice is coming from," said Anderson "Top floor."  
Dredd pressed the elevator door button and they both stepped inside upon its opening.

"Jerry, this is some next level shit!" yelled Kramer as he checked out his new arms.  
Kramer had attached robotic circular saws to each arm that could slice through just about anything.  
"Be careful with those, Kramer!" said Jerry "How are you gonna masturbate now?"  
"Who needs to masturbate when you can chop things up?" asked Kramer as he started up one of the blades and sliced into Jerry's couch.  
"What are you doing, Kramer!? That's a brand new Versace couch!"  
"Ah, I'll get you a new one, no problem. I have connections."  
Jerry was in his apartment with Kramer and they were both looking over the security monitors Jerry had setup beside his television. They watched as Dredd and Anderson entered the elevator.  
"Elaine," said Jerry into his walkie-talkie "The judges have entered the elevator. You know what to do."

Elaine pried open the elevator shaft with her super-strength and peered up. She saw the elevator containing Dredd and Anderson slowly rising away from them. She reached into the shaft and hit the emergency stop button.  
"Elaine, this looks a little risky," said J Peterman.  
"Ah, stop your complaining," she replied.  
Elaine walked into the shaft and bounced from wall to wall until she clung to the bottom of the elevator. Without any effort, she punched her fist through the bottom of the elevator.  
"What the hell?" questioned Dredd as Elaine's hand was sticking through the floor.  
Her other hand then punched through the elevator floor and created another hole. She began ripping off bits of the floor, until Dredd and Anderson were standing on the remaining ledges, peering over their thirty foot drop down the shaft.  
"Destruction of public property- sentence: five years in an IsoCube!" yelled Dredd with his gun pointed at her.  
"I don't think so, Dredd!" yelled Elaine as her neck became super stretchy and extended in length.  
She wrapped her snake-like neck around Anderson like a python. Dredd fired a shot and blew a hole in Elaine's neck, which didn't seem to bother her.  
"See you around, Dredd!" snickered Elaine as she disappeared down the shaft with Anderson entangled in her neck.  
"Get back here!" yelled Dredd as he fired a few more shots.  
Elaine was gone from sight and J Peterman made his way up the shaft. He reached onto the bottom ledges of the broken elevator floor and smiled at Dredd.  
"Looks like it's just you and me now, Dredd!"  
Dredd fired a single shot at J Peterman's hand and it blew to smithereens. The lack of a hand caused him to fall down the elevator shaft and forcefully hit the ground.  
"I've gotta hand it to you," said Dredd "you're pretty clumsy."


	5. Chapter 5- The Parachute

Chapter 5- The Parachute

Anderson woke up lying on the ground in the basement of the apartment complex. It was dimly lit down there and the halls were empty. She was confused as to how she got there, or why Elaine had spared her life. But she realized the answer to that question once she heard some growling coming from down the hall. The shadows appeared on the wall at the end of the hallway; it was a person with something that looked like a dog on a leash, but it wasn't at all. The shadowy figures turned the corner to reveal it was Elaine walking Jerry's Hokdons-two slimy one-eyed creatures that looked like mutant pitbulls.  
"Dinnertime, boys!" said Elaine with a laugh.  
Anderson pointed her gun at Elaine as she unhooked their leashes. The two beasts charged down the hall towards Anderson. She fired her gun. One Hokdon instantly hit the floor with a bullet through its skull. She fired again. The other Hokdon hit the floor inches away from her with the bullet through its one eye. Elaine simply looked shocked.  
"What did you do?" she gasped "Those were Jerry's babies!"  
Anderson stood up and pointed her gun at Elaine "Destruction of public property, attempted murder of two judges- your sentence: death."  
Anderson fired her gun and shot Elaine square between the eyes. Elaine simply laughed in response as blood drizzled down from the wound.  
"You can't stop me that easily!" she said as she activated her stretchy neck again.  
Elaine's head grew larger as her neck stretched further down the hallway closer to Anderson. She shot a few more holes in Elaine's face, but nothing happened. Anderson panicked and fidgeted around with the settings on her gun- something she wasn't too familiar with. Elaine shot out a blast of fire towards Anderson, but she managed to jump out of the way. The blast hit the wall behind her and caught fire close to the two dead Hokdons.  
"Careful," said the monster Elaine with a laugh "The Hokdons have explosive blood!"  
Anderson eventually got her gun to freeze-ray setting. She confidently aimed at Elaine and fired. A vicious blue mist sprayed out of the gun and coated Elaine's head in a block of ice as she instantly fell over. The fire began covering the Hokdons and Anderson ran for it. An explosion set out behind her, covering that end of the hallway in flames. The force of the explosion had enough of an impact to shatter Elaine's head into hundreds of shards of ice. Anderson kept running down the hallway until she reached a stairwell. Before she could even step on it, she heard something walking down- something loud and heavy. It was a heavy robot suit going down step by step. George was inside of the robot with his upper torso sticking out at the top.  
"I don't have time for this!" said Anderson "I have to find Dredd."  
She ran between the robots legs and continued up the stairs.  
"Are you trying to run away from me?" yelled George "I seriously hope you guys don't do this!"

Dredd was on the same floor as Jerry's apartment. He walked cautiously with his gun in his hand.  
"Jerry Seinfeld. I know you're here," he announced "Surrender now and I'll consider giving you life in an IsoCube rather than the death sentence."  
There was no response, so he continued walking. The silence was disrupted by the sound of electric saw blades starting up. Kramer's apartment flung open and he stepped out with his circular saw arms spinning dangerously fast.  
"Drop the weapons," said Dredd.  
"You drop yours first," Kramer replied.  
Without waiting for a response, Kramer ran towards Dredd. Dredd fired some bullets, but they just bounced off Kramer's metallic saws. Dredd ducked from Kramer's attack and his saw sliced into the wall and got wedged in. Kramer tried pulling his arm free, but had no luck. Dredd simply smirked and stuck his gun back in his holster.  
"Attempted murder of a judge," said Dredd as he grabbed onto Kramer's free arm "Sentence: death."  
Dredd plunged Kramer's saw arm into his neck and kept slicing it deeper until Kramer's head dropped to the floor. Both of Kramer's saw arms shut down and stopped rotating. A slow clap came from behind him. Dredd turned to see Jerry in a leopard print bathrobe smoking a Cuban cigar.  
"Nice work, Dredd. I bet you're wondering where the three kidnapped judges are."  
"You better set them free, Seinfeld."  
"Come into my apartment, I'll show you them."  
Jerry turned around and walked back into his apartment and Dredd followed. Dredd was angered to see the three judges tied up, half naked and filled with bullet wounds sitting in the bottom of Jerry's coat closet.  
"I hate judges. I had to kill them," said Jerry as he picked up his assault rifle off the kitchen table.  
Dredd was just about to pull his gun out of his holster when Jerry pointed the rifle at him.  
"Don't even think about it, Dredd. The second you pull that gun out, I'll shoot you dead."  
George then came into the apartment, still in his giant robot suit. He had trouble squeezing through the door from how wide the suit was, but he managed.  
"Did you get the girl judge, Georgie?" asked Jerry.  
"Yep, I smushed her head like a grape."  
"Haha, nice!" said Jerry.  
Dredd placed his hand on his gun holster. Jerry held his assault rifle close to Dredd as a threat to shoot him if he pulled it out.  
"My armour is bullet proof," Dredd said "Yours isn't."  
"I'm not wearing amour," replied Jerry.  
"Exactly."  
Before Jerry could even react, Dredd pulled out his pistol, set it to fire blast and shot at George- setting him and his robot suit on fire. Jerry fired his assault rifle at Dredd, but the bullets did nothing against his thick armour. George's robot fell to the floor and he got out and ran around the apartment while on fire. The flames from George caught onto the furniture and the curtains as well. Dredd grabbed the rifle out of Jerry's hand and fired at George, killing him in seconds. Jerry looked terrified and backed up against the window.  
"This whole entire apartment building is on fire from the floor up, Dredd. What're you gonna do after you kill me? Nothing, because you're gonna burn to death. If you let me live I can show you the secret exits."  
"Jerry Seinfeld- for the murder of three or more judges, selling and manufacturing drugs, destruction of public property, and attempted murder of a judge- your sentence..."  
"Dredd, no! Come on!" begged Jerry.  
Dredd pulled out a sharp hunting knife from a secret compartment on his leg armour "Death."

Anderson made her way out of the apartment complex after pushing through hallways filled with smoke and fire. She was safely outdoors and looked up to see that half of the building was on fire. The only fire from the top half of the building was the one coming from inside Jerry's apartment.  
_"Dredd!_" she yelled out.  
There was no response though. She continued yelling it out until she saw Dredd- standing on the ledge of the burning apartment. He was holding something, but she couldn't tell what it was from all the way at the bottom. It was the skin of Jerry Seinfeld and Judge Dredd was about to use it as a parachute to flee from the burning apartment. He held the skin above him and jumped to his safety. Jerry's skin inflated in the shape of a parachute and Dredd slowly floated down.  
"I'll get you for this, Dredd!" yelled a skinless Jerry from his apartment window.  
The fire got so intense in Jerry's apartment, that the ceiling came down and crushed him under the fiery boards. Dredd landed on the ground next to Anderson and tossed Jerry's skin into a trashcan. The two of them looked up at the burning building.  
"We're done here," said Dredd "Justice has been served."


End file.
